The Wedding of Ron Weasley
by Xelan
Summary: Despite the title, Ron has very few lines. This story focuses on whom he's trying to marry. Another wedding at the burrow, but something is amiss. Heron fans will not be pleased and do remember I'm a Harmony author.


Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognize.

A/N: The pumpkin spice is strong, but the reader must wait until the pie is completely baked. Oh, and you may wish to read this before you eat rather than after. Just a warning.

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"Of course I will marry Ron Weasley." She said in a dreamy tone. "He told me that I want to and of course he's always right."

The official looked unamused.

Molly Weasley tugged nervously at her collar. The official that the Ministry had sent wasn't the one she'd requested. Apparently, somewhere down the line, her cousin who had officiated at Molly's own wedding had passed away. This was someone new… and Molly wasn't sure how things would go.

Not one to throw away the niceties of pureblood society, he said simply, "And have the bride and groom been checked for ensorcelment and potions?"

"Of course!" Molly interjected before Ron could say anything to give away the game.

"And you have the documents to prove it?"

"Err… well, no, actually. You see, my husband was the one who did it. He works for the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office."

"So, not officially done."

"No, but that's never been a problem before."

"There are rules that I must follow, Madame."

"Of course."

"Miss, do you know where you are?"

"I'm being married at the burrow."

"Are you willing to consummate your marriage to Ron Weasley."

"Am I?" she turned to ask to Ron, a vacuous look on her face.

"Yes, you are."

"Yes, I am," she parroted, but then her brow crinkled. "Though, I think it will be rather difficult."

Molly was sweating profusely. The ceremony was supposed to have been over by now. She felt for the follow-up vial tucked inside a handkerchief in her pocket. _Just a little bit longer_, she thought with ever increasing desperation.

"And why is that?" The official asked.

"Well, I've heard he's quite small and then there's the issue of my chastity belt."

The official couldn't help but blink-blink at this statement. He could have sworn he'd seen a malicious glint in her eye for a split second but then it was gone, replaced by the disarmingly blissful expression. "And why exactly would your –ahem—chastity belt be a problem. Surely, your fiancé has the key?"

"Of course my fiancé has the key," she chirped; only to continue with, "But Ron doesn't have one." Again she turned toward the lanky wizard. "Do you?"

The official rubbed the bridge of his nose. He was not dense and her meaning was quite clear.

Ron's flustered babbling seemed sufficient answer and she turned around. "No, it appears he doesn't."

"It seems as if the young lady's examination has not been carried out as thoroughly as it ought to have been." He turned to her and noted her distracted gaze once more. "I'm curious. Who is your fiancé if not Mr. Weasley?"

"Harry Potter."

This caused both of the official's eyebrows to rise into his thinning hairline. "Well, well, well. I find this quite suspect."

"I'm sure she's just tired!" interrupted Molly. "And the jitters! Pre-wedding jitters! Why, I remember on my own wedding day-"

But the official wasn't paying much attention to her now. "Miss Granger, this is very important. You've already told me you are willing to consummate your marriage if you are able, but, and I stress again how important this is, do you WANT to marry Ronald Bilius Weasley?"

She turned her head to ask him what she should say, but the official's hand shot out and turned her back to face him. "I don't know…"

"You're sure?"

"No…"

"Let's try this a different way." He looked deep into her eyes. "Who do you want to marry?"

Again, her body turned and again the official's hand kept her facing him.

"I-I want to m-marry my fiancé."

"All right, then that settles it."

Turning to the assembled Weasleys, Bill, Charley, and the Twins suspiciously absent. "I'm sorry to say that I cannot perform this wedding ceremony."

"But this is outrageous!" Molly exploded. "There are no grounds for you refuse to perform the ceremony. Even if she's not quite all there, that rule only applies to Purebloods and she is most obviously not!"

Looking at the vacant expression on Mr. Weasley's face, which could be mental retardation due to protracted inbreeding or quite possibly, and he now felt more likely, that he was actively potioned. Something he would look into once he was finished here. Then he looked at the youngest son who was standing there scratching his head with one hand and grubbing in his ear with the other. The official nearly lost his lunch when Ron withdrew a finger with something odd looking on it and then proceeded to eat it. He decided the mental retardation might very well still be a possibility, at least where Ron was concerned.

"It has nothing at all to do with her entirely too suspicious lack of free will, but all to do with the marriage permit you filed for being invalid."

"How can that be? I just had it made out yesterday!"

"This is a standard pureblood wedding permit. It requires relevant parties to fit the stipulations listed much like a contract. If the conditions aren't met, then the permit is not valid and the wedding cannot take place."

"I know that! But we followed everything to the letter!"

"The virgin clause."

"I checked that, it doesn't apply to the groom."

"Correct. It doesn't apply to the groom." He paused and let that statement percolate through her mind. And percolate it did, because her face flushed red harder than anytime that anyone had seen before.

"That slag!" Molly bellowed as she shook in fury.

"Oy! I'm going to marry that slag, so don't you be calling her a slag!" yelled Ron, who had finally found something interesting enough to pay attention to. Also, his ear was all fished out.

"You watch your mouth, young man. You aren't so old that I can't take you over my knee and teach you lesson!"

Suitably cowed, the younger redhead, in robes too garish for even Dumbledore to have worn, scowled and turned away.

Turning her ire on Hermione, Mrs. Weasley demanded, "Who was it! Who was it you allowed to deflower you before your future husband!?"

"No one."

"Then why aren't you a virgin?"

"I did not have coitus before today."

"Then who?"

"Your son," The official added helpfully. "He's not supposed to be, at least, not according to the permit."

Speechlessness, never before heard, descended upon Molly.

"You can double-check the results of my spell if you like, but you should know that my decision stands."

Her hand came up as if to cast a spell, but something was wrong. She looked around hurriedly, but finally she huffed and waved her hand to indicate he should cast it again. The same results as before. He WAS a virgin!

"I see now that I should have saved some of that lust potion for you and Hermione and not wasted it all on Harry, for all the good it did!"

"What was that?" asked the official.

"Nothing, nothing. We'll deal with this _right_ now! Ron, you and Hermione go to your father's tool shed."

"Then she wouldn't be a virgin." The official once again added helpfully.

"Oh, drat. Then we'll get another permit."

"Wait time now is 2-3 months."

"Unacceptable. Ginny, get over here!"

"Yes, mum?"

"Help your brother… he's a bit small and well…"

%%%%

-A little later-

Everyone had arrived back from inside the burrow to find Ron sleeping and Ginny crying uncontrollably. Hermione and the official were nowhere to be seen.

"I'm surprised Molly believed you without checking the results for herself."

The official twirled something around his fingers. "She didn't have her wand handy, you might say."

"And yet somehow your incorrect spell showed me positive. Strange, don't you think?"

"Well, it pinged on you, and we know very well you weren't a virgin as of this morning."

"Ah, a non-virgin detect spell, so you could show you cast something even if they checked memories or previous spells. Clever."

"I have my moments."

"Why show up in that hideous rubber mask?"

"Magic wasn't an option but I figured they'd fall for this terrible disguise if my name was suitably pureblood enough. In fact, I think the uglier I looked the better."

"True. Well, will you take off that silly mask and help me out of this corset, it's killing me."

"I thought you liked corsets."

"I like MY corsets because they're fitted to me. This was one obviously second hand when they bought it and probably fitted Ginny best; too loose in the waist and absolutely crushing my chest in a horribly unflattering fashion."

"No, those precious bits must definitely not be crushed by some unfeeling clothing construct…"

"I'm glad you agree."

"Especially, when I'm here to do the crushing for you." He ripped the mask off to show the spectacle-less face of her fiancé.

"So, what happens now?"

"Gretna Green awaits, and very soon, Molly will learn that the elder wand can easily negate birth control potions, and that feeding me tons of fertility potions and lust potions isn't a good idea since I learned a few switching spells."

"And what did you do with this newfound knowledge?"

"Let's just say that a new little Weasley with double the genes for red hair will soon come bounding into the world. And, judging from the amounts they were trying to dose me with, perhaps more than one."

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Omake:

"Mum, what was your maiden name?"

Ginny paled noticeably. "Never you mind, you just get back to your chores."

"But Mum, I finished with my chores ages ago."

"Then you can help your Grandmum Molly."

"That's another thing. Why do I only have Grandmum Molly and Grandad Arthur? Shouldn't I have another set?"

"Ron! Get in here and answer your daughter's question! I have a headache!"


End file.
